Meet this Anxious Mama

Just relax.  Take a deep breath.  Calm down.  Simple enough phrases and they should be easy enough to accomplish right?  Ha...  Now I won't lie, I've always been more than a little tightly wound.  Hell in elementary school I was labeled by my school counselor as a worrywart and identified most with Telly from Sesame Street.

When I became pregnant, it was suddenly like the switch got flipped to the max setting though.  Now, granted it didn't help that right as I found out I was pregnant, my husband lost his steady and well paying substitute teacher's job.  All our plans for saving up for a bigger and better apartment flew out the window at the loss as we struggled to just keep the crappy little apartment we have now.

It wasn't just that though.  I would alternate from severely depressed to almost frenzied bouts of anxiety with little to no provocation.  I thought at first it was just pregnancy hormones, but than thoughts of harming myself started enter my brain with a disturbing frequency.  Honestly, I think the thought that I wouldn't just be harming myself was the sole reason that I am still here today.

Then, my beautiful baby boy was born.  He was gorgeous and healthy despite my deep seeded fears that all the anxiety and stress of my pregnancy had harmed in some way.  I wish I could say that the depression and anxiety fled the moment I saw his beautiful little face, but that wasn't the case.  Suddenly, I was obsessing over everything and sobbing my eyes out over nothing.  I was completely neurotic and would spaz at the tiniest sign of sickness or issue.

I'd like to say I immediately sought out help, but that wasn't the case.  I stayed in this state of constant turmoil and depression for much longer than I am proud of, especially since I knew I was at risk of PPD because of my past history with anxiety and depression.  The road to feeling better has been a long one and I have gone off and on medications and roller coasted from feeling okay to hitting complete rock bottom.

I recently have sought out therapy after letting it lapse for too long and have gotten put on a new medication that seems to be helping.  I know it must be doing it's job because when my husband suggested that my son's babysitter take him for a 2 hour long car drive to go see a Monster Truck show, I said, "Sure, that's no problem.  He'll love that."  (My son loves everything to do with cars and trucks.)  This is surprising because previously the idea of my son taking any kind of long distance trip without me has triggered immediate and completely irrational panic and terror.  Previously I would have said, "No way.  What if..." and then a long list of what ifs would come out of my mouth.

Why am I sharing all this?  I want other anxious mamas to know that it is okay to reach out for help and that it is possible to get back to a place where your mind is no longer racing along at a speed that you feel like you can never keep up with.  It is possible to go from anxious mama to just mama or at the very least slightly high strung mama.  With all seriousness to any pregnant woman or new mom with anxiety or depression reading this, don't wait two years like I did to truly find help.  There are so many moments with my son that I regret were overshadowed or underlined by my issues and I wouldn't wish that on any mom.